Thoughts on NaBloPoMo

Today will be my 30th post in 30 days! Thank God! Just kidding, sorta. I am really proud of myself for not quitting, even though there were times when I just didn't want to do it anymore. But I learned a lot from this experience. I've discovered I'm really a perfectionist when it comes to blogging. I didn't ever want to post something that I didn't 100% love. I also spend more time proof reading an entry, than I do actually writing it. That is crazy. It is time consuming, and can take away some of the fun of blogging. I had to stop doing this to participate in NaBloPoMo, and I'm going to stop doing that completely. Every post doesn't have to be perfect, and accepting that keeps blogging fun, simple, and fast. And if I have a few typos, who cares?

I hit a wall about day 20, and started running out of ideas of things to post. Additionally, it was really hard for me to post something when I had a busy, stressful, or bad day. There were some nights that I just wanted to zone out in front of the TV, or just go to sleep. So I didn't like not being able to take a break. Also, I didn't have as much time to read other people's blogs and comment like I love doing.

But all in all, it was a great experience, and I will probably do it again next year. But I finished what I started, YAY me!

Design Fun: The Bedroom Edition

So last week I did living rooms, so now I thought I showcase some of my fave bedrooms. I like fun, bright colors, but I also like some pretty classic stuff.

Santa Degradation and Other Thoughts

We went to the mall today, to pick up various items that we needed. A process that I dreaded because the mall will be packed from here to Christmas, and there is nothing less fun than shopping in a crowd. First, we went to Target to print out photos for our up coming court case. Oh I probably haven't mention that before, because of the ridiculousness of this case, but lets just say our previous landlords are big butts. * Grumble*. Next we went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Hallmark to look at Christmas decoration type stuff. Do you know that they sell Christmas themed toilet covers? I found a picture to prove it. This is so wrong, on so many levels. It is degrading to Santa. Sadly I could see my mother buying this.


My mother's house every year looked like Christmas exploded. She even has a snowman cover for her computer monitor. Even though I have always teased her about it, it is exactly the kind of house you would want to wake up in on Christmas morning. And she always had other ways of making Christmas extra special. One year she had ordered some teddy bear for me from a catalog, and when it arrived the nose was mushed in. So she put a letter in my stocking from Santa, apologizing for letting Rudolph step on my bear. I could care less about the crushed nose, because I had a letter from Santa! Not just any letter, but an apology letter. Score.
Last year I spent Christmas with Adam's family in Wisconsin, and while I enjoyed the snow and the company- I missed my family. We had always planned to go home to see my family this year, but as luck (see stupid court case) and finances would have it, I'm the only one that can afford to go home. So I'm flying home alone on December 19th and staying through the 23rd. My family and I are just going to celebrate a few days early. Because if it can be helped at all, I will never spend Christmas without Adam. At first, I was a little disappointed that he would not get to experience the Ervin Christmas Extravagance. But then my mom decided to send us her old Christmas tree, and we purchased three matching stockings (one for each of us, and one for the pooch). We don't have a lot of money for gifts this year, but I'm really looking forward to our quiet little Christmas together. And and excited about forming our own Christmas traditions.
P.S-I rolled out my annual Christmas blog layout. I hope you like.

Because She is too Precious for Her Own Good

I love how she keeps looking at me, as if to say please stop the madness.

Gobble, Gobble

I know we have years of Thanksgiving dinners ahead of us. Thanksgiving dinners where we will be surrounding by our family and kids. Thanksgiving dinners where we will cook a lot more food. But I will always remember our first Thanksgiving dinner together. Watching football, eating turkey, taking naps, and playing the Mario on the Wii. It was lovely.

Gratitude

What I'm Thankful For:

1. My Husband.
2. My Sarah.
3. Anti-Anxiety Medication (No Joke).
4. Having a Wonderful first 7 months of marriage.
5. Working towards my Master's Degree.
6. My Mother.
7. New Friends.
8. Old Friends.
9. My Health.
10. My Faith.
11. Having a Thanksgiving Dinner void of the usual Family Drama.
12. A Four Day Weekend.
13. That there is a Banana Creme Pie in the Fridge with My Name on it.

While Watching an Episode of Chef Academy...

Adam: There is no baker in the world that can make anything as sweet as you.
Me: That was so cheezeball. Do you want to take that statement back?
Adam: Ask me why they can't make anything as sweet as you.
Me: Why?
Adam: Because your Chef was Jesus.

*Groan*

If I Had Married a Rich Man

I spent most of today watching HGTV, and daydreaming about what I would do with my house if I had some extra crash. (OK so I was really thinking about getting rid of the couches). These are some of the designs I really, really love. I'm not sure if I love or hate the last one, I defintly know Adam wouldn't go for it. But I don't care what he thinks :)

That Was An Ordeal

Today we gave Sarah a bath. I don't even like uttering those words, because bathing Sarah is a form of rare and unusual punishment, that shouldn't be given to even the hardest of criminals. But Sarah was starting to get that lovely Goldie aroma, and when she would walk in front of a fan I would be knocked unconscious for a few minutes. Not even kidding. Yet when Adam turned to me last week and innocently asked, "Should we give Sarah a bath this weekend?" I noticeably cringed, and then thought about taking a second job so I could justify paying someone to bath her for me.

To even get Sarah into the bathroom, we have to leash her. Which is kind of sad, because she gets so excited thinking she is going to go on a walk. But the second we get into the hallway, the light in her brain goes off, and all movement halts. Thus begins the really tricky part of the operation. Sarah weighs 95 lbs. Yes, she is plump. But believe it or not, she was a lot plumper when she first entered the family's relocation program (we adopted her from my brother). The first words my brother said to us, when he handed her over was, "Her favourite food is McDonald's french fries." So she used to live on human food alone. But I don't really like to feed dogs table scraps, because I don't like a dog who begs, and I don't have enough money to feed them from the table. So Sarah promptly lost 20 lbs. (But yes Sarah does get the occasionally french fry).

So Sarah throws herself to the ground, and her legs go limp. So Adam has to scoot all 95 lbs of dead weight inch by inch into the bathroom. Once we get in the bathroom, Adam takes her front, and I take here back and we left her into our tall claw foot tub. I then have to get in the tub with her to wash her. For a few minutes, Sarah accepts her fate, and we hurriedly splash water on her and soap her up. But after a short amount of time, she starts forming her escape plan. We know how she acts, so we have learned to keep the door closed during the bath. Today she tried to escape, knocking over the trash can in the process. So now we are washing her, and then having to pull her backwards every few seconds to prevent her jumping out.

Once we are finally done, we let her jump out. She shakes a million times, and the bathroom is a wreck. We towel her off, let her leave, and she continues to shake in the living room. By this time, we are both soaking wet, and in need of showers ourselves. Sarah spends the rest of the day pretending like we don't exist and pouting. And I spend the rest of the day cleaning the bathroom and washing all the mats and towels.

Not Completely Unexpected

A few months ago, I talked a little bit about my bad relationship with my father, and how he wasn't going to let me have my wedding pictures. Talking about it was really therapeutic to me, and I actually started to get over the whole situation. That is, until a few months ago when I finally told Adam's family what was going on. And all of a sudden it was all I could think about. Once again I found myself erroneously questioning what I did wrong and feeling really sorry for myself. I hated that he still had the ability to make me feel bad. I decided I couldn't ever get over the situation if I didn't at least try one more time to get my photos.

So one night I sent him an email. I told him how I had tried and tried to let it go, but I just couldn't. I reminded him about how he had apologized for ever hurting me at the wedding, and I didn't understand why he wanted to continue to do so. Blah, Blah, Blah. It was basically a really watered down version of what I wanted to say, because I still wanted my pictures. My father came back and told me he had simply been procrastinating, and put in a few passive aggressive barbs as expected. Telling me he only had 27 cents in the bank, a reminder that he is still paying back court ordered child support. Whatever. I don't really believe the procrastination stick, he wanted me to beg, he always wants me to beg. He told me he would send the pictures and I kind of sort of believed him.

The next day he sent me confirmation that he had sent the pictures. I was over the moon happy. I couldn't believe it had worked, and the man who had said he had no money to his name, had sent them priority! I was telling everyone, I had Adam send his family an email to let them know. On Friday I picked up the package at the post office. It was a rather big package, and when I opened it up I found one picture.I felt like a dagger had ripped through my heart. Let it go I said, Don't play into this cat and mouse game I said. He won't ever change. I know this.

So I let it go, but a few days later he emailed me, asking if I gotten the picture. And I said I had, it was lovely, but was he still sending the other pictures? No response. And these last few weeks I have been struggling with so many things. Its like everything has all hit my once. The abandonment from my family. My dad still not changing. Accepting that my father will never love me as I do him, if he loves me at all. Knowing that I put something so important to me (the photos) in some one's hands that I should have never trusted in the first place. Feeling stupid, feeling foolish, feeling like I was never good enough for them (even though I understand they were never good enough for me).

I can honestly say this particular situation has been one of the hardest things I've had deal with. Harder than the childhood abuse,harder than any break-up, harder than the awful relationship with my stepfather, harder than the depressed days on my teens,and a million times harder than coping with my brother's drug addiction. And I keep telling everyone that its OK, that it doesn't matter, that I'm used to it. But I don't think you ever get used to being treating that way. But maybe it had to happen, for me to final give up, and let go. I can't have that toxicity in my life any longer.

Sometimes I convince myself that I will never get past this hurt. But then I remember those dark, dark days in high school. Days when I was certain I would never ever see a bright day again. And I can't tell you the date when I stopped being depressed. Its just every day started to suck less and less, until it didn't suck at all. So that's what I have to believe now, every day is going to suck less, and one day it wont suck at all.

Courtesy of Adam

Random Thoughts of the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my Neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this--ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

SuperGoddess's Playlist Volume 4: Holiday Fun

It has been a really long time since I posted a play list, and the truth is I'm super busy this week, and am really struggling to keep up with NaPoBloMo. So I thought with Christmas right around the corner, it would be fun to share some of my favorite Christmas Carols. And believe me I love Christmas Carols.
I love almost every version of Baby It's Cold Outside. But I have always loved Zooey Deschannel's folksy, earthy voice, so this is probably my favorite version of the song. Christmas Wrappings by The Waitresses is a really fun, off beat Christmas Carol. I picked this song for this playlist because of the lyrics, "Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong 'Cause it is my favorite holiday, But all this year's been a busy blur, Don't think I have the energy,To add to my already mad rush, Just 'cause it's 'tis the season." Is anybody else feeling that way this year?
All Alone for Christmas is a song that is on the Home Alone Christmas Soundtrack that I own. It has always been my favorite song on the soundtrack, because of the lyrics and upbeat tempo. And really nobody ought to be alone on Christmas. Also, I think any Christmas playlist would be incomplete if it didn't include All I Want for Christmas is You from that adorable girl from the movie Love Actually. When I was a child I was just as obsessive as I am now, and I used to drive my mother nuts asking her to replay Come on and Ring Those Bells over and over again. So listening to this song, always makes me really nostalgic about my childhood Christmases.
My all time-favorite Christmas Carol hands down is Carol of the Bells. I love the lyrics, I love how easily they flow. And no one does that song better than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. A few years ago my grandmother told me that when she was in her 20's, she had moved to Chicago. So one Christmas she saved up all her money to go home , and took the whole trip down sitting on the floor of a passenger train. She said that the song I'll be Home for Christmas came on, and touched her so much, she teared up. So everytime I hear this song, I think about my grandmother.
When my nieces were itty bitty, they thought Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer was the funniest song ever. So when I hear that song, I am right there with my nieces, when they were just a little bigger than babies giggling and giggling. They were so precious. I chose Santa Baby because I love that it is a "sexy" Christmas Carol. Finally, What Child is This? has always been my favorite Christian Christmas Carol. I love that is has the same melody of Greensleeves.

Yesterday I Cried

My favorite poem is Yesterday I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant. I wanted to post it because it encompasses so much of how I'm feeling lately about my father. Things with him have only gotten worse over the last few weeks, and tonight is the first time I've allowed myself to cry. Maybe I'll talk about it soon, maybe I won't, but right now I'm just trying to find some inner peace.

I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.

I’m telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry. Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don’t know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn’t know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda

Tripping in My Sleep

The other night I dreamed Adam and I got in the car, drove to the grocery store we always go to, parked in the same row we always park in, got the same style of buggy we always get, and went in to get our groceries. At the store we said things to each other like, "I'll go get the chicken," and "Don't forgot that we need milk." This dream is only remarkable due to its unremarkability.

I usually have really scary dreams. Even if the dream doesn't make any logical sense, it can still be scary. I've dreamt about people baking their children into cupcakes and me accidentally eating them, my mother burring thousands of people she had killed in our front yard, and my parents forcing me to drive straight into a tornado. I spend the first half hour after I wake up basking in the relief of knowing it was only a dream.

The other type of dreams I have are the really realistic dreams. When I was in high school, my mom would wake me up to get ready for school, and occasionally I would fall back asleep. And I would then dream I got up, got breakfast, and got dressed before I would be rudely awakened again by my mother. I have a reoccurring dream about getting to the end of a school semester, and finding out I was enrolled in a class that I never knew about, which I am failing.When I have that dream, I have to log on to my school website to make sure that isn't true. It is that terrorizing. I also dream that Adam and I have these terrible fights that keep me mad at him for a few hours after I wake up. And yes I do hold him accountable for the things he does to me in his dreams. He should know better.

I only started having really vivid dreams in high school when I started taking anti-depressants (its a side effect). Before I dreamed in black and white, and now my dreams are in vivid Technocolor (just like Joesph's Dream Coat). But I hope I have more dreams about me doing things like grocery shopping. Maybe tonight I can dream about getting up, going to work, going to school, and coming back home. That would be lovely.

London Love

I recently discovered this video from Kottke.org (one of my favorite sites). It is scenes filmed in London in 1927 (in color)! I find this video absolutely enchanting. Some of the sights filmed are London Bridge & Tower, Kensington Gardens, River Thames, St. James Palace, and White Hall. I realize life had its own unique challenges in the 20's, but it just appears to be such a simpler and more peaceful time. Make sure you check out Petticoat Lane starting around the 6 minute mark. I love watching the crowd of men all in the same hats! Also did you know they had double deckers back then?

Nostalgia

What I Miss About Childhood:

Playing Hide and Seek. Catching Fireflies. Sitting at the Kid's Table. Candy Land. Sesame Street. Believing in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Disney Movies. Happy Meals. Tea Parties. Skating Rink Parties. Boxcar Children Books. Trapper Keepers. Lisa Frank. Icy Pops. Snick.

What I Miss About Adolescence:

Sleep Overs. Photography Class. My 10th Grade History Teacher. My Posse (friends). First Baptist Youth Group. Military Ball. First Love. Yearbook Signing. Summer Vacation. Friday Morning Breakfastes with my Mother. Being Color Guard Commander. The Used Book Store. London. Christmas Caroling.

What I Miss About College:

First Taste of Freedom. Late Night Donut Runs. Playing Hooky. Volunteering at Hearts Tutoring Center. Being a Part of a Book Club that Never Read the Books. Dr. Roth's Lectures. Hunch Punch. Falling in Love with my Husband. Israel. My Pink Dorm Room. Earning my Nickname, Hofo. Competitive Board Games. The 5th Floor Kincannon Misfits. Building Ginger Bread Houses in February.

What I Love About Now:

Learning What it Means to Be a Wife. Cuddling with my Golden. Getting a Master's Degree. Being Financially Independent. Conquering my Freeway Fear. Living One Mile from the Beach. Friday Night Dinners. Making New Friends. Living in California without Losing my Southern Identity. Working with Wonderful Children. Knowing that My Life Turned Out so Much Richer than I Could Have Ever Imagined.

Otherwise Known as Brain Rot

Sunday I watched the Keeping Up With the Kardashian Wedding special. Not only did I watch it, I was excited to watch it, I DVRED that sucker. I am not proud of this fact, its the type of show you watch with the volume down and the lights off. And while I was watching it, I teared up several times. (Shut Up). I was crying over someone else's wedding, that I have never met! The attachment I can form to people on TV is unreal, even to me.

I love reality TV. It is my guilty pleasure, my escapism. I wish my favorite shows were brainy and thought provoking, but there just not. My all time favorite show is The Real World. I've been watching that for at least10 years easily. Even though I accept that it is neither "Real" nor "Worldly." But a close second would be any of the Real Housewives Franchise on Bravo. Can we talk about how Theresa from New Jersey flipped that table? Awesome. My favorite housewife is definitely NeNe from Atlanta, because she says the funniest crap like, "Is your wig squeezin your head too tight, heifer?"

I have also followed The Duggar Family since the genesis of The Duggars on TV. While they are not people I would want to hang out with on a Saturday night, I think they are a pretty charming family. But every time I watch that show, I swear a child pops up on screen that I have never noticed before. Like Justin, I might have heard his name on the opening credits, but before Tuesday I never saw him before. I wonder if that is how Michelle (the mom) feels. Plus it cracks me up that the Dad's name is Jim Bob. That is so hickey, and I know hickey, because I'm from Alabama. (On a side note-there is a place out here in Long Beach called Jim Bob's Sushi, who is going to eat SUSHI at a place called Jim Bob's Sushi?)

Those are just a few of the Reality TV shows I love. There is also Top Chef, The Biggest Loser, Project Runway (I love me some Tim Gun), and America's Next Top Model. I guess it could be worse, I could be watching only Maury and Jerry Springer.

From the Mind of a Three Year Old

I was watching the travel channel the other night, and a show called Extreme Restaurants came on. They had a bunch of interesting restaurants on there. One was called Ninja and it is located in New York. Basically Ninjas jump out and scare the ever loving peace out of you. That sounds so not fun to me, I hate being scared, and I would be a basket case by the time I left. Just ask my mom how I once turned around and ran out of a Haunted House 30 seconds after I had entered it. And how she didn't want to ask for her money back because it was for charity. So no thanks Ninja restaurant.

The second restaurant they featured was a little disturbing. It is called Modern Toilet and the original restaurant is located in Taiwan, but it is now a chain! The theme of the restaurant centers around, you guessed it, toilets and poop. You know how three-year olds think that talking about poop is hilarious? I have to believe that is how they came up with this restaurant concept. The chairs are actually toilets, and the tables are bathtubs. The lights are even shaped like poop, and they have a pink poop mascot statue in the front. The food comes in toilet bowls, and one of their menu items is vegetable curry (which looks really gross in the toilet, and I won't post a pic of that LOL). They also serve chocolate ice cream that is shaped like turds in toilet bowls! Insanity. There is no end to the madness. Apparently it is a really popular restaurant over there. I would probably eat there once just for the experience, but I still think it is pretty questionable.

You Be Illin'

Its been a year ago this month since I got really, really sick. I know this because the night before I came down with the worst case of food poisoning I have ever have, I went to a midnight screening of the Quantum of Solace with Adam. Adam is obsessed with anything and everything James Bond. When I first met him in the dark ages of AIM chatting, his screen name was bndadm. Which was an abbreviated form of, "Bond Adam." But I thought it was a weird form of the name,"Brandon." So for the first six months of chatting with the man I WOULD EVENTUALLY MARRY, I couldn't even remember his first name.

The movie was OK, Daniel Craig was hot as always, but it definitely didn't live up to the typical Bond film in our oh so humble opinion. I had gotten a soft pretzel for a snack that night, and the next morning I kicked off the lovely Throwing Up Extravaganza of 2008 (Great Imagery I know). DAMN YOU PRETZEL. Adam even had to come home from work, just to take the dog for her morning walk, because I couldn't even walk a few feet. Coincidentally, a few months earlier we had gone to a different midnight movie, and Adam had woken up sick. Apparently, midnight movies only make us tired, cranky, and sick. So at the ripe old ages of 23 and 25, we have decided WE ARE TOO OLD TO GO TO MIDNIGHT MOVIES. The girl who used to stay up until 5 a.m. every night, that lives inside me, is ashamed.

I mused last week that it had been forever since I had gotten sick, and then on Friday morning I woke up with a sinus infection (I so jinxed myself). I felt like there was an Elephant inside my head trying to escape. So that morning I had a conversation with myself that went like this, "Dear Body, I have no time to be sick. K, Thanks." But my body wasn't listening, and the truth is I probably got sick because I have been running myself ragged. I'm feeling a little bit better today, but if I stand too long I still get really fatigued. Honestly, I want nothing more but to have enough energy to get up and clean the bathroom. I'm not even kidding.

Little Letters Part Deux

Dear Three Hour Nap from this Afternoon,
You were exquisite, but you will mess me up tonight.

Dear Facebook,
I resent you telling me who I need to "reconnect" with.

Dear Cheesecake Factory,
It has been too long since we spent some time together.

Dear Husband,
Even though you are a million times more stubborn than a mule, I still love you.

Dear Homer the Honda,
I'm sorry I don't wash you as often as I should.

Dear Monopoly,
You are the best board game ever.

Dear Sarah Lee,
Thanks for cuddling on the couch with me this morning. It’s like you knew that is what I needed to make my sinus infection a little more bearable.

Dear Halloween Colored M&Ms,
I can't stop eating you.

Dear Hamburger Helper,
Do Top Chef contestants ever cook you?

Dear Fall,
You are my favorite season.

Dear Green Bay Packers,
I don't like having a grumpy husband on Sundays, so please start winning some games.

Dear Nieces,
I am counting down the days until you come and visit me for Spring Break.

Dear Real Housewives of Orange County,
You are the epitome of guilty pleasure reality TV.

Dear Taylor Swift,
Am I too old to be relating to every one of your songs?

Dear Quick Shadow I Saw Run across the Kitchen,
Please don't be a mouse.

Dear Ice Hotel in Sweden,
One day I will visit you.