Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sleeping Habits of Newlyweds

Back in February Adam was diagnosed with sleep apnea, he used to snore like no one I have ever heard in my entire life. And I've slept with a lot of people! Platonically people, get your mind out of the gutter! Imagine what a walrus giving birth sounds like and multiply that by ten and you may get an idea of what it was like to sleep next to him. Adam was given an oxygen mask to wear while sleeping, and I promise you that saved our relationship. I am now getting good nights sleep, and I'm one of those people who need a good 9 hours of sleep or I'm a not-so-nice person the next morning. And my new favorite phrase, which I got from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, is "Happy Wife, Happy Life." Truer words were never spoken, right?
Snoring isn't the only thing Adam does while sleeping. Sometimes he yells out really loud strings of gibberish, which is slightly unnerving. I think this has to do with the kind of dreams he has. They are always like adventure movies where he has to land a plane in a emergency or take down a serial killer using nothing but a toothpick. He is also always dreaming that I die in gruesome, slow, and painful ways. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I really want to know what Freud would say about that. The worse thing he does though has to be how he can sleep with his eyes half open. Talk about creepy. You know I must love him, because after a year of this I haven’t made him go sleep on the Murphy bed in the living room. Yet.

I guess it wouldn't be fair if I didn't tell you that I'm not a peach to sleep next to either. I routinely take up the whole bed while sleeping. On our wedding night before we went to sleep, Adam asked me if I was comfortable and did I have enough room on my side of the bed? I thought my guy is so sweet, so thoughtful, and I'm so glad I marred him. Basking in the glow of his kindness I said,” Yes I do!" He replied, "Good for you! Because your ass is threatening to push me out bed. Back that caboose up"

Sometimes his mask slips off a little bit, and the oxygen seeps out. When this happens it makes a honking noise. This can't come close to being as annoying as his snoring, but its still not a fun thing to wake up too. This happened the other morning, so I pushed him awake so he could fix it. He looked at me like I had just kicked the dog and said," I had three minutes until the alarm clock went off!" As if those 180 seconds would have made any difference. If he had three more minutes of sleep maybe he would now know the meaning of life. If he had three more minutes of sleep maybe he could have found the cure for cancer. If he had gotten those three minutes of sleep he could have gotten republicans & democrats to come together in mutual love and respect and have a tea party. If I had let him sleep those three minutes I wouldn't have had anything to tease him about these last few days. And that would be a shame.

Apparently what I should have done was try to fix the mask myself. But yeah do you want to wake up to someone shoving something over your mouth & nose? That is not a formula for a peaceful morning.

365 days ago (give or take):
I just don't know where to start, or what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. I like plans, facts, and figures. I'm not good with the unknown. The unknown scares me. And maybe it helps just to say it out loud. I'm just a girl, who just turned 22, who is shaking in her boots.
The anxiety I felt right after I moved to California and had to face finally being a grown up!


  1. Men always seem to get cranky when you wake them... I've been married almost six years and my hubby is still mean if I wake him... But happy if it's the alarm that wakes him... I don't get it!

  2. HA HA HA HA HA i laughed SO hard when i read this. because even though no sleep apnea is present in our house, i DO take up the entire bed and curt DOES snore. ha ha ha.

    love it.

  3. I laughed at this post. The part about waking up while someone is trying to put something on your face...too funny. I do hate when my hubby snores. Especially if he's facing me and snores. Then I nudge/hit him till he wakes up and rolls over letting me sleep without a chainsaw in my ear. Even with having to deal with it, I still don't sleep well when he's not in bed.

  4. Match always asks how someone so small can take up so much of the bed. I'm almost a foot shorter than him, yet somehow he ends up in the corner of the bed. ;-)

  5. This post cracked me the heck up. Truly funny.

    My mom had sleep apnea and my brother and I HATED going anywhere with her where we had to share a room. It was horrible. She's lost over 150 pounds and no longer needs her machine to sleep. :)


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