Humble Beginnings

Sunday and Monday were record high heat days here in Long Beach, California. This should have only been mildly uncomfortable because we have a pretty decent window air conditioning unit in the living room. But sometime last fall we lost the remote control to the AC, and for some stupid reason you can only operate the unit with the remote control. We looked everywhere, but that remote is nowhere. I can't come up with even ONE semi-logical explanation for this. We did order a new remote the other day, but it will take 4-6 weeks to get here! 4-6 weeks! In this age of Internet I shouldn't have to settle for anything less than instant gratification.

It has been so terribly hot that I felt like I was melting into a puddle of goo. The only thing I could do was sweat and complain about being hot. I called Adam several times on Monday just to tell him he was a bad person. He was a bad person for getting to sit around in an air-conditioned cubicle while I was at home dying (he is also a horrid person for putting food in the microwave without a plate, the creeps me out). Luckily everything is much cooler now and will be for the rest of the week. But it all reminded me of the summer that I stayed with Adam when we were first dating.

I had decided to stay with Adam the entire summer after my junior year of college. At this point in our relationship I was pretty sure he was the man I was going to marry, and I guess I just wanted to take him for a test drive. Adam lived in a tiny studio apartment hardly any bigger than a dorm room. It was really perfect for a bachelor, but not so perfect for a couple. We were constantly sitting around just staring at each other that is unless we were in the bathroom. Although I think if I had to stare at him in the bathroom, that would be a total DEAL BREAKER. I hate it when people even try to talk to me when I'm using a public restroom. I mean really is that the time for a heartfelt conversation?

The first weekend we spent together Adam and I ventured out to cold stone creamery. I was eating my ice cream and enjoying the day when Adam turned to me and said, "I just realized that you are going to be around all the time." He didn't say this with a smile on his face either. I immediately fell apart...in public. I mean obviously he didn't love me, he never wanted me there, and if he couldn't make it one week with me than how could he last for twelve? I was two seconds away from whipping out my emergency credit card and flying home. But Adam talked me down from that ledge. When I remind him of this incident he feels so terrible. I am a fan of emotional black-mail, so I bring it up often. And someday I will make sure our children know what a heathen their dad once was.

I was forewarned that Adam’s apartment didn't have air-conditioning, but I didn't think it would be a problem. I am from Alabama, and holy Hades Alabama is hot. I figured anyone complaining about it being hot elsewhere was just being a big pansy. Living in an upstairs apartment, that had no windows to open, put me in my place FAST. It was always hot, so much so that I couldn’t even take naps. I am an amazing napper. I love to nap; I can sleep 2-3 hours in the afternoon and still get to bed at a reasonable hour at night. Mmm....lovely sleep. I figured that was my cruel and unusual punishment for shacking up with my boyfriend.

When I was at home I had satellite TV and TIVO, but Adam only had basic cable. On top of that, half of the stations were in either Spanish or Vietnamese. I couldn’t watch The Real World-do you know how devastating that was for me? For some weird reason he did get the Oxygen network, so I watched two shows over and over-Snapped! and The Bad Girl's Club. I think I have successfully learned what to do or not to do if I ever wanted to murder my spouse.And is there really anything anyone can say about The Bad Girl’s Club? They are some crazy bitches. But what boggles my mind about the Oxygen network is that they describe themselves as a channel, "Dedicated to empowering women to do great things." How are the bad girls empowering women to do great things?!? And by showing Snapped! are they encouraging women to kill their husbands? I think they may have drifted a bit from their goal.

I figured if Adam and I didn't kill each other that summer, we could survive marriage. We did move into a bigger place that has windows for an air conditioner and we also have satellite TV. Because if I can't watch my shows or take my naps, I'm not very happy. And if I ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

365 days ago (give or take):

When most girls were pushing the boys down and making them cry, she was pinning their posters on her walls. She got her first kiss at five on the school bus. After she kissed him, she promptly punched him in the gut, and told him it would hurt worse if he ever told anybody.

My niece Kayla is just as boy crazy as ever.