Monday, April 27, 2009

Blue Skies Fade into Grey

My beautiful, wonderful, fabulous, everything I wanted it to be wedding had me on cloud 9 for a week or two, but now I feel as if I have finally crashed and burned. My old pal depression has snuck up on me, and now I'm floundering. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is how everyone keeps commenting on what a happy time this must be for me (since I'm a newlywed). And I am happy & content with Adam and my marriage, but everything else in my life seems so lackluster. I tell everyone that everything is peachy keen, because that is the easiest and only acceptable answer. I feel if I tell them what is really going on they couldn't possibly understand, which I know is really irrational. But I'm not extremely clearheaded these days. The one person I could talk to about it without judgment is my mother, but I feel like it's too hard of a conversation to have over the phone in the few minutes I talk to her while she is at work.

Most mornings I wake-up just as tired as I was when I laid down to go to bed. It doesn't matter if I sleep 2 hours or 12 it all feels the same. I step out of bed, and start counting down the hours until I can go back to sleep. Little tasks like taking Sarah around the block for her morning walk are equivalent to pushing a boulder up a hill. I think this is what I hate most about being depressed; it has robbed me of my motivation. I'm the type of person who usually loves to clean, work, read, write, and take photos. But now I could spend the whole day zoned out in front of the TV if I let myself. As it stands I have to give myself one task I must accomplish each day (clean the bathroom, fold the laundry) just so I can feel like a functioning member of society.

I usually have more patience than Mother Theresa. But now I find myself getting irritable if something takes two more seconds than it should. I am sometimes so needlessly snappy with Adam, just because he is the only one here. I always apologize immediately afterwards, and he always forgives me. However I still feel guilty about it for hours, and the guilt plummets me into a crying jag. And then my wonderful husband, who I have just been so terrible to, rubs my back and lets me cry it out. I don't know if I deserve his kindness.

I feel like I’m losing myself.

I can see the finish line now. I finally have health insurance, so I'm just waiting for the cards to come in the mail. Then I will find the energy to go to the doctor, and muster up the courage to say, “I’m not OK."
365 days ago (give or take):
Are these your underwear on the floor? Of course not, they are Norma’s. Don’t forget to shave! Don’t worry; I’ll do it at Norma’s. But my favorite has to be, where would you be without me? I’d be with Norma….
I have a run in with a girl who had a crush on Adam. It's BRITTANY bitch.


  1. You have got to give yourself more credit. We get these moments. Maybe it is time to add something different to your life.

  2. Oh, hon.. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

    I have a very dear friend who has been suffering with depression for years, she also suffers from bi-polar...she has never sought help although she knows her mental health is suffering. It is a terrible terrible situation..

    I am just so glad to hear that you want help..there are too many people who suffer in silence.

    You have a good man by your side.. and you deserve him and his kindness, don't ever think that you do not.

  3. Hang in there.
    You're probably luckier than you think.

  4. It's a natural let-down after the wedding--all that planning for how long, all the anticipation, all the excitement, and now you are just back to normal, a new normal with nothing immediately on the horizon to look forward to. Unless you count all those darned thank-you notes you still have to write! No more showers, parties in your honor, or being the "bride to be". It's okay to be down, or even sad. It's like post-natal depression--maybe we can call it post-nuptual depression. I'll bet there is more than you who has gone through it. Hang in there, girlie, you'll make it through. Go get some help from a doctor and confide in your mom. This too shall pass. In the meantime, I'll send some hugs and positive after-the-wedding thoughts!!

  5. It's okay to admit you're not okay. Everyone keeps telling me that this should be the happiest time in my life too (planning a wedding, almost done with school,) but I just feel dread, mainly because I know all of the work thats coming, and most of it is work that is out of my control.

    Big hugs, bebe. Lots of big hugs!

  6. hope everything will be OK there :)

  7. Hey chica, I'm so sorry you're down. Now I know part of it is stuff you've been dealing with before, but I betcha some of this is that post wedding depression. You know when you have a birthday or a trip you've been looking forward to forever? And it's everything you wanted, and then when regular life sets back in, it's like you don't have that thing to look forward to, and it makes you sad. I completely get that feeling.

    I've also heard that the first year of marriage is tough, and it sounds like Adam is doing everything right to help you. But its also like you can't talk to him about it all, because you're afraid he'll think you're not happy with, even though this sadness isn't him at all.
    Awwww HUGS! I hope you start feeling better soon.
    PS thank you so much for the shoutout on Entrecard. You made my day! :-)


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