I spent all last night reading over my old private archives that date back to the summer before I entered college. Some entries were just cringe worthy. Some made me smile at my nativity and helped me relive forgotten old memories. Some were painful to read, like the entries that covered my first real broken heart, and the ones that reminded me of how things were with my former best friend before I realized who she really was. But I think the hardest of all to read are the ones that deal with my brother’s drug addiction.
They start in 2006, right before his addiction caused my family to implode. The hurt & worry I expressed in those entries are still palpable. I don’ think it would hurt so bad if these problems had stopped, and we were now living our own version of The Brady Bunch. But we’re just not. I feel as if I have lost my sister-in-law & brother. And I don’t think things will ever be the same again, and I no longer hope for it.
Not too long ago, my mother told me my sister-in-law was pregnant. My heart immediately dropped, I was the exact opposite of excited. My first thought was would they give it up for adoption? I know this sounds totally terrible. But my nieces at least had good parents when they were younger, but what kind of life could this child have if things don’t turn around? My mom already ends up footing almost all the bills for my nieces as is, and they were almost old enough to move out of the house. We were just so close, now it’s like we’re starting all over again. And I thought of all the couples who can’t have children but deserve them. They don’t deserve to be parents.
I know babies are a blessing, and I was upset at myself for even feeling that way. But I just did. I worried that because of current family dynamics I would never get the chance to be as close to this child as I am with my nieces. I can still remember how excited I was when my girls were born. I practiced holding my baby dolls and counted the days till I would see their faces for the first time.
Today I got an e-mail from my mother, she told me that if it was a boy they were naming him William Tate, and would call him Tate. She said that she hoped that they stuck with that name because we could call him tator tot. That really made me smile, and made the pregnancy seem more real. And for the first time I’m actually excited that the little tator tot is on the way.