Sunday, May 18, 2008

With 22 Candles On My Cake

Since I got into Californiaon Wednesday, I have been doing several "grown up" things. I don't know why I use the term grown up. Its not like I'm not an adult, but I guess I'm just now starting to feel like one. So when I do things that are adult like I feel like I should be running around with a diaper on my head singing, "I'm a big kid now!" These new responsibilites are liberating and terrifying.

Yesterday we went to tour that cottage, the one we had loved so much. We had thought the lady had turned us down because she stopped contacting us. We were disappointed, but we moved on. We just knew we would find the right place. And then out of the blue, she called Adam and asked if we were still interested. Are we still INTERESTED? Is the pope Catholic?

We went and checked the place out. It is in a nice neighborhood with the local grocery store only a block away. It is the perfect size for us. Plus it comes with a stove, fridge, washer, and a dryer. And after having to walk to the laundry room, in blaring heat, just to have to pay a $1.00 to wash and even more to dry, having our own washer and dryer is akin to Nirvana! I want this place so bad, I can taste it.

It would be $1100.00 a month for rent with an $1100.00 deposit. To an Alabama girl, this seems completely outrageous. And I know that is just how property is out here. But the nervous side of me keeps reminding myself that I don’t have a job yet. Adam CAN float us for a few months, but that won’t last forever. I'm so afraid that I will not be able to find any job at all. Even with my open-ended college degree. I know this is probably an ill-founded fear, but if I think about it too long I seriously cannot breathe. But I keep telling myself that even if I don’t find a job in my field, I can work any job for the time being. This is the worst case scenario, and I know that really isn’t that bad.

In addition, I got a rejection from the boys & girls club. I felt like I had a good chance getting this job, I have volunteered with the boys & girls club for years. And I guess it would have stung less, if they had just ignored my application rather than rejecting it. But I'm just sensitive and shy, and I need to grow a tougher skin to wade through this.

I'm happy with things right now. I really am. I like taking turns washing dishes and having someone to unwind with at the end of the day. I look forward to Fridays when I can cook a spaghetti dinner and know it is delicious just by the look on Adam's face. I love when he cooks for me and he kicks my ass in every video game known to man. But it can't stay this way, and I really wouldn't want it to. I want to work. I want a place with air conditioning and a little yard so I can get my little dog.

I just don't know where to start, or what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. I like plans, facts, and figures. I'm not good with the unknown. The unknown scares me. And maybe it helps just to say it outloud. I'm just a girl, who just turned 22, who is shaking in her boots.

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