Monday, October 11, 2010

Unnecessary Expressions of Gratitude

My stepfather is weird. Really weird. And mom if you read this, I'm sorry for saying this. But you know that we have had many conversations where we have agreed he is not like the rest of the public. When I was thinking about this entry, I had many examples swimming in my head of my step father being odd, but now they have all escaped me. But just know he does really nonsensical things and has all my life.  But this post really isn't about my stepfather being weird, but how one of his habits could have gotten my mother and I arrested. Yeap, ARRESTED.

My stepfather is diabetic, and he has to give himself insulin shots. Which is decidedly NOT WEIRD. However leaving your used, empty needles all over the car is WEIRD. I remember once, not so long after I got my license, I was driving down the road and the sun was in my eyes. So what do you do when the sun is in your eyes? You pull down the visor, right? So I snapped down the visor and two needles catapulted toward my EYEBALLS. My beautiful, get me whatever I want from Adam, Baby Blues. But beside the fact that I was nearly stricken blind, it scared me so much I nearly pooped my pants and ran off the road into a cow (this was Alabama after all, cows are everywhere).

Flash forward seven years and one month ago and my mother is picking me up at the airport in her mini-van with my "sister" Carlee (her happy and silly lab). We leave the airport and I notice some used needles in the sliding cup holder. I ask my mother if that ever worries her, and tell her the story that really made me appreciate my eyeballs. I asked her what if you get pulled over? What are you going to say about the needles to the cop? We talk about it for a second, forget about, and then move on to talking about more important things like small town gossip and the cheesecake we planned to eat that weekend. Yum, Cheesecake.

On our way home, we pass a cop. We are not speeding, and he does not pull us over, but he starts to follow us down the road. My mother and I never ever speed, unless it is on accident. There are people out there who do things like speed on PURPOSE. And I'm scared to death of tickets so I don't speed. But every time I accidentally speed I get pulled over. Then I get to hear all the stories from people who speed on PURPOSE and get out of their tickets. I never get out of my tickets (had two).  Boo, my luck sucks.

We don't think too much about the cop following us, but a few minutes later, outside a lighted gas station, he pulls us over.  My mother, who has the patented Ervin freak out gene, starts panicking. "Was I speeding?" "I know I wasn't speeding." "I CAN'T GET A TICKET." I don't say a word, but I'm thinking about the conversation we had five minutes earlier, and I quickly slide the needles out of sight. I am terrified that the police officer will see that I slide the needles out of the way and ask to search the car. And then in my mind, we would be going to jail. And I can't go to jail, I'm too pretty for jail. I don't want to be anybody's bitch.

The police officer took forever to approach us, which only made everything more nerve wrecking. And it turns out the police man didn't pull us over for speeding, or because he has a nose for used needles. Nope, it was just because we had a tail light out. The minute he headed back to his car to run my mom's information, the built up anxiety and the relief that we didn't have to bribe him with donuts, lead to an uncontrollable laughing fit. My mom thought it was so funny that I didn't say a word and just calmly slid the needles out of sight. Also we were just talking about getting pulled over with needles in the car! How Ironic. And when the police officer came back we were still laughing. I'm surprised he didn't think we were high. Then, he went on his merry little way, and as he was leaving my mom calls to him, and we both say, "THANK YOU!"

Then it struck us, why did we thank him? Thank him for scaring the bejeezus out of us and our little dog too? Thank him for giving us a ticket? I guess we could thank him for making us laugh. I guess it is just the Southern Belle manners we both have. We just couldn't stop ourselves from thanking him. I bet he thought we were basket cases.


  1. I'll bet he thought you two were completely bonkers! But yeah, those needles haphazardly showing up everywhere...that's what's bonkers!

  2. ACK! Needles everywhere? YUCK on so many levels. I'm terrified of getting pulled over and getting tickets. I have only been pulled over a handful of times and every time I cry in that nervous crying because I'm stressed kind of crying that's just awful and embarrassing. People tell me being the wife of a sheriff deputy has its perks, like not being pulled over. I try to drive as safely as possible, but man wouldn't that be a great perk? No more nervous crying. Glad you still have your eyeballs!!

  3. OMG that is so gross about the needles-- he needs to at least get a safety bucket or something, GAH! But HILARIOUS about the cop-- I am one of those people who gets out of all of my tickets. hahahahaa. :P


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