Tales from Over Yonder Part One

This post should really be titled the Cream Cheese Wonton Invitational.

Wednesday afternoon I touched down at Orange County Airport and kissed the South goodbye. I left behind the world of Southen accents, sipping cocktails, girl talk with my mother, and laughing with friends for housework, money issues, and class. Let us talk about the class I'm taking now. This is a pass or fail class, and I'm tested on all the clinical skills we have been working on for the past year. If I don't pass even one of those skills, it is over for me, and I can't continue on with the program for six months. Making you wait six months to restart is the University's way of sending you to a cornor and telling you to think about what you did wrong. If that happens, I will storm off to my room, slam the dorm, scream I hate you, and make a plan to runaway from home, just like I used to when I fought with my mother. Because of this class, I am currently riding a rollar coaster. Some moments I feel as confident as that teenager sailing around the world by herself (minus the crazy waves) and other moments I want to jump off the 17th floor balcony because it is all too much. So the next few weeks I'll be living life in a pressure cooker. Can I go back to sipping Margaritas please?

But if you want to be as prepared as humanly possible to be put through the ringer, take a vacation first. I planned this vacation months and months ago, to spend some time with my mom. But according to my mom, I was really coming home to meet my "sister." My sister being the lab named Carly my mother recently adopted. Honestly, I am the ultimate dog person, and you guys are just lucky that everyone one of my posts isn't a picture of Sarah. But even me, a coo-coo dog lover, balked at being told a canine was my sister. The morning before I arrived, my mom took Carly to the groomer to get clean. She told the groomer that Carly was going to meet her sister today! And that her sister and she had the same color hair! And that she must be clean for her sister! But then my mom had to tell the groomer that Carly's sister was a human and not another dog. So color them surprised and a little concerned. They may just cross the street the next time they see my mom coming. Mom if you’re reading this, I’m sorry! (But she knows it is true).

My mother also has a nickname for Carly, which is Babydog. Isn't that the most humiliating nickname ever? I should know my friends call me HOFO. Adam and I also have nicknames for Sarah, like Sister Golden Hair and the Golden One. But those aren't as traumatizing as Babydog! Is the crazy dog lady trait genetic? But I ended up falling in love with this hyper, chubby, loveable pooch. I am now happy to call her my "sister." Half-sister if you want to get technical. And when I came home I told Sarah she now had a much younger Aunt.

On Saturday I road tripped down to Columbus, Mississippi. Birthplace of Tennessee Williams and my alamater, Mississippi University for Women (admitting men since 1982). Better known as MUW or The W. But most importantly, Columbus is the home of the Chinese restaurant, Peking, and they make the best cream cheese wontons on the face of the planet. They are gooey, warm, and sweet. Those wontons are made to be eaten by the Gods, but actually even the Gods aren't worthy. Just Southern Belles who love to eat are worthy. I told people the weekend trip was about seeing my college friends, but if I had to be honest, it was really all about the wontons. In fact, the first thing we did after getting together with each other was sitting our butts down at Peking. Where (I'm not even kidding) two people got wontons for us to share as appetizers, three people bought wontons for dessert, and one person even bought some to-go for the hotel later. Yes, they are that good.

Just kidding about coming just for the wontons. I was so much happier to see my college friends Anna, Jenny, Jana, Austin, and Benson. We are really close, a bond that only comes from living with one another for four years. And having nothing to do (unless you count studying) so you sit around all day and stare at each other, or make late night fast food runs. Lots of fast food runs. And it was so funny because after lunch we went cruising around town and noticed our favorite late night haunt, Taco Bell had closed. Obviously because we were no longer there to single-handedly support them. Oh the guilt, regret, and shame that comes from causing the demise of Columbus's Taco Bell. Let us have a moment of silence for the long, lost Taco Bell. Moment of silence over.

After we had properly mourned Columbus' lost of cheap soft tacos and quesadillas, we decided for old time's sake (because being 24 is really, really old) we would ride around campus. It is weird, but I'm so emotionally attached to MUW. I just feel like my experience there was amazing and I really grew into my own there. And it really was fate that I ended up there. I'm from Alabama and hadn't even heard of The W when I was in high school. One day I was just non-chantilly flipping through a college catalog, no idea what direction I wanted to go in, and my eyes landed on an ad about MUW. I had a feeling about it and just decided that it was the only place I wanted to go. The W was the only college I applied to, and even though my grades were up and down in high school due to emotional problems, I received a pretty hefty scholarship. I even look back at college with nostalgia when thinking about all-nighters, doing laundry at 3 a.m. because that was the only time the machines were empty, and the repetitive cafeteria food. Also I think my friends feel the same way. To me, that place is magical.

We drove around remembering all our crazy times. Swapping tales about Nurse Mary, the ghost that lived in our freshmen dorm, Calloway Hall (Calloway was a civil war hospital during the Civil War, the laundry room was the morgue. Soo creepy at knight). Laughing about the people who put kool-aid in the fountains. And those hurricane parties we had, when our families would send us emergency money for emergency supplies, but instead we bought cheez-its, king cake, and board games. Sometimes buying a flashlight as a after thought. That is even what we did for Hurricane Katrina! Smart, right? And the girls teased me about all the times I accidentally flashed the construction workers working on the dorm next to us at night. Plus that time when my Backyardigans kite had a run in with Charlie Brown's kite eating tree, and the kite stayed there for MONTHS.

There isn't much to do in Columbus, so after driving around campus, we decided to take a little detour to the novelty shop sex shop Fantasyland. Going to Fantasyland is kind of a rite of passage for W students. No kidding, most freshmen go there the first week they start college, just because it is the thing to do. And it is always good for some immature laughs. And we specialize in immaturity. Plus most of us, by this time, were a little tipsy, so it seemed like a good idea. The ironic thing is Fantasyland is on Highway 69 near an exit to the city of Eatonville! Guys you can't make this stuff up. And I'm only sharing about this part of my vacation because of the treasure we found there. This treasure is known as Fatty Patty. A kind of blow-up doll that is pleasantly plump. This is how she is described...."Her blood type is Ragu, her belt size is the equator and she has to iron her pants in the driveway! For that person who loves them large and in charge!" Fatty Patty really brought the lols.

After our trip down highway 69, we went to a karaoke bar. I have never sung karaoke but I've always wanted to. It is even on my lifelist! But I was also terrified to sing karaoke, but felt I could do it if I wasn't alone. Jana had offered to sing with me, but I wanted to get a third person just for good measure. But Jenny wasn't having it. So I started guilt tripping her. "Jenny if you don't sing karaoke with me you will regret it on your deathbed." But that didn't work, so I took it one step further-"I'm getting on a plane on Wednesday, and if that plane crashes, you are going to be like why of why did I not sing karaoke with Brittany last week!" Yeah I totally get that saying something like that may make me a terrible friend, probably even a terrible person. But I was pretty buzzed at this point and I was desperate. And don't forget, I'm shameless. But she still wasn't swayed by my logic! So I decided I would just go sing with Jana. Only Jana. Boooo Jenny. Jana went to give the DJ our song choice, and when she returned she had the most devious look on her face, and whispered in my ear, "You will never believe what is about to happen."

The DJ at the karaoke bar was a nice guy, who loved to sing. When no one else was singing, he was up there belting out the tunes. He looks a little like Jerry Seinfeld, and not one of his teeth point the same direction as the others. God Bless Him. So when Jana went to tell the DJ our song selection, she noticed Tommy Tutone's song Jenny (867-5309) on the screen. The wheels started turning and Jana said," My friend's name is Jenny! You have to sing it to her." So Jerry Seinfeld starts singing to Jenny and wrapping his arm around her. Jenny wants to crawl under her chair and die. And when he starts singing 867-5309, we would shout out Jenny's real phone number. Looking back that wasn't the brightest thing to do, considering there were other people in the bar. But hey it was still pretty funny. Plus it is a little karma retribution for not singing karaoke with me. And I took video evidence.

But after Jenny's forced serenade, it was time for me and Jana to take the stage. We chose Miranda Lambert's Gunpowder and Lead. And bear with me cause not only can I not sing, I was a karaoke virgin. But I had a blast doing it, and would do it again. And I love that you can hear my friend Anna in the video, talking in her cute little thick accent the whole time. And if you listen near the end, you hear the boys trying to force her to get up and sing.

The creepers at the bar really liked our performance, and I got lots of unwelcome advances. But that usually happens when we get together. Maybe because if you combine us you have the perfect woman, she has the boobs and I have the butt. Once we were driving to the store together, and the guy leaned over and LICKED the car window. It was an incredible turn on.

So now I can cross karaoke off my life list! So excited. But this post is already super long, so I thought I'd break the trip recap into two posts.