Jillian Michaels and Me Will Never Be Friends

Remember when  2010 was still all shiny and new? And I was full of gumption and gusto about my life, so I made out a list of ten New Year's resolutions? And for one of these resolutions I vowed to finally complete Jillian Michael's 30 day shred? If you don't know the 30 day shred is a work-out that involves strength, cardio, and abs, and there are three different levels. Each level takes 10 days to complete, and it is really a kick in the butt. When I made that goal, I was already on day six. But then on day 16, I came down with a sinus infection, and I had to quit. And it only took me five months to get back on that horse. But I just wrapped up Day 8 of Level One, and boy are my arms tired boy am I sore.

Jillian Michael's is all well and good when she is yelling at the contestants on The Biggest Loser and your watching with Ben & Jerry's ice cream in hand. But when she is trying to motivate YOU, it is a totally different story. I often find myself mouthing off to Jillian. First of all,  my least favorite exercise in the world is jumping jacks. I believe when Jillian Michael's was putting together the routines for the work-out, she thought to herself, "What can I do that will torture Brittany the most?" Because she put five sets of jumping jacks in level one alone! During the warm-up, she says that if you are looking for a modified version of the jumping jack, to look else where (when I typed that sentence, I swear I heard her voice reverberating in my head). The first time she said that I thought, "Fine, Google is my best friend, so I'll find the modified jumping jack on Google! That will show you!" But I was thinking it in the same tone of voice I used in middle school when my mother asked me to dust my room , and I hollered,"You are ruining my life!" And my friends, my mom was totally ruining my life. Dusting is for sissies. But I didn't look up the modified jmping jack, because secretly I believed that somehow she would just know I cheated. And I don't know what happens when you disobey Jillian, but I don't want to find out.

But really to me, the worst part of  level one is the first cardio circuit. It combines the two hardest moves for me, the evil, diabolical jumping jacks and jumping rope. Oye, enough with the jumping already! Even though I've gotten through it every time before, I spend the whole time working up to that interval, panicking a little bit.  And I think it is because my fat cells are triggering my fight or flight reflex. See me and my fat cells have been friends for a really long time. A REALLY LONG TIME. And they know that they are on their way out, and they are scared.  So they are whispering in my ear, "You Don't Really Want to Do This Do You? Why Don't You Quit Now and Order and a Pineapple & Canadian Bacon Pizza Instead?" Gee, I wish I hadn't just thought about pizza because now I want pizza.

I'll be moving on to level two in two days. I'm scared and excited at the same time. But if I remember right, there are jumping jacks in that one too. Damn you, Jillian Michaels, Damn you!