Monday, July 6, 2009

He is My Firecracker

(The beach a half hour before the show)

I spent almost every summer of my childhood in Texas with my father, his parents, and a million cousins. And even though things were always terrible with my father & even my grandfather sometimes, I loved those summers. I lived like an only child in St. Louis during the school year, but during the summer I was a country girl with a million playmates. Move over Hannah Montana-I'm the one who had the best of both worlds. My cousins and I made up games, swam, fished in the pond, caught fireflies, went to the movies, and ate watermelon fresh off the vine from the family garden.

But fourth of July was always the best part of the summer. All the family would come over, and we would have a huge cookout. There was always an unlimited supply of sparklers, black cats, chasers, spinning panda bears, and we even put on our own professional firework show complete with a grand finale. Us kids would always promise each other we were going to stay up all night, but could never quite make it. We usually fell asleep outside on the trampoline. I can honestly say those are my best childhood memories.

When I finally stood up to my father, and put a stop to a lot of the wrong things that my family was doing to me, the abuse and the inappropriate behavior, I did not see them for a long time. But after a few years I made several tries to forge ahead with a healthier, more adult relationship with them. I gave forgiveness because I needed to in order to move on with my life. I saw them here and there, but it was always uncomfortable and strained. They would often do things on purpose to hurt me, and they never could forgive me for what they saw as a family betrayal. I invited them all to my wedding shower & wedding, but nobody came but my father. It was very hurtful. I'm sure they told everyone that I only wanted gifts from them, which is something they have said about me before. But I really just wanted them there. I forgive them, but I probably won't reach out to the them again.

So I usually find myself a little sad around the fourth of the July. It brings up all those great memories, and it hurts thinking about how much I have lost. But luckily this Fourth of July was fun enough, that I was able to not concentrate on my past. Adam and I took a nice walk down to the beach. It was a mile and a half away, but we enjoyed talking on the walk. We got there an hour before the show, so we were able to run around and freeze our feet off in the Pacific Ocean. The fantastic firework show took place over Long Beach harbor and the beautiful Queen Mary. We cuddled on the beach long after everyone had left before walking home. I think it is possible to make the 4th my favorite holiday again.
365 days ago (give or take):
It was called Fantasyland, and ironically it was located on Hwy. 69, just passed the exit to Eatonville (I'm not kidding, you just can't make this stuff up).
I really embarrass myself in front of a professor I had a die hard crush on. I love this story.


  1. the 4th of july always makes me a little sad too. july in general makes me sad. so many horrible memories.

    but you & me girl? we have new people who love us & support us. yay for new happy memories of july :)

  2. Awwww...I guess the fourth of july is more than just fireworks, it's really a time to get together with family and just hang out outdoors, cook, and bond. I miss having times like those as well...But I'm glad to hear that this year's 4th of July was a happy one for you. =)

  3. Awww, I'm so glad you have Adam in your life. I recently had a falling out with my Dad and that side of my family, and I can tell you if it hadn't been for Match I don't know how I'd have made it through it all. Holidays make me miss home too. Glad you've got your own fireworks together (cheesyyyy comment, sorry!)


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