By the time I realized how much I needed back on my medication, my anxiety was so intense I couldn't make myself go see a doctor about it. And after I graduated I no longer had health insurance, so I couldn't afford it. But I will have health insurance after the wedding. The thing is I have really wonderful days, and I also have really horrendous days that are soul-crushing. But I'm putting this entry back up, because I'm not going to let myself be ashamed by something that affects so many.
Some days I wake up rested and kiss Adam goodbye and give Sarah big hugs. Some days I have just enough cash to walk to the Chinese restaurant across the street and get lunch to go, and I eat it while watching good shows that I DVRed the night before. Some days I'm excited to go to work, and the commute isn't so bad, and the kids have fun, and I feel like I'm great at what I do. Some nights I come home, and Adam and I play games, or watch TV, and we laugh till it hurts.
Some days I wake up not only on the wrong side of the bed, but on the wrong side of the world. And I don't even know how I will find the energy to get out of bed. Some days I'm broke and I’m so tired of ramen noodles or lean cuisine that I could puke. Some days I start crying in the morning, and astound myself with my ability to cry for hours on end. Some days I feel like a car is parked on my lungs, and I'm so anxious I can't even breathe. Some days the commute drags on forever, and the kids just aren't in the mood to work, and I can't seem to motivate them. Some days I can't wait to get home, only to find I'm just as miserable there. Some nights even the valium my mom gave me to help with my anxiety attacks doesn't help, and I still can't sleep & I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I can't imagine living one more minute, one more day like this.
Some days I realize that things will be fine after the wedding, when I have health insurance & can finally see a doctor & I get back on medication. Most of the time I understand that I have no reason to believe the meds won't fix me when they always have before. But when I feel really bad, I can’t imagine that I will ever feel like myself again. But most of all I feel guilty, I should be so grateful for the fabulous life I have now. Be happy to just have a job, when so many of my friends have been laid off. I should feel blessed to be living in California, with the most amazing man I've ever known. I just feel like I'm so unappreciative of my life on bad days, and what kind of girl am I if I can’t act thankful for all I have?
365 days ago (give or take):
When we started to Taxi out of Atlanta, the pilot came over the intercom and announced we would be returning due to a passenger incident. Two men were making jokes they found funny about being terrorists and bombing the plane.
I talk about really stupid people on my long flight to Tel Aviv.