Monday, March 23, 2009

One Fine Wire

I first wrote this post on Saturday, when I was having a particularly "bad day". Then I chose to pull it down when I was feeling better, because in a small way I found it embarrassing. The last semester of my senior year in college I voluntarily took myself off my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication because I was feeling great, and was overwhelmed with the thought of having to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life. I understand now how ridiculous that is, I mean what if I had some life threatening condition-I still might begrudge taking a pill, but I wouldn't stop.

By the time I realized how much I needed back on my medication, my anxiety was so intense I couldn't make myself go see a doctor about it. And after I graduated I no longer had health insurance, so I couldn't afford it. But I will have health insurance after the wedding. The thing is I have really wonderful days, and I also have really horrendous days that are soul-crushing. But I'm putting this entry back up, because I'm not going to let myself be ashamed by something that affects so many.

Some days I wake up rested and kiss Adam goodbye and give Sarah big hugs. Some days I have just enough cash to walk to the Chinese restaurant across the street and get lunch to go, and I eat it while watching good shows that I DVRed the night before. Some days I'm excited to go to work, and the commute isn't so bad, and the kids have fun, and I feel like I'm great at what I do. Some nights I come home, and Adam and I play games, or watch TV, and we laugh till it hurts.

Some days I wake up not only on the wrong side of the bed, but on the wrong side of the world. And I don't even know how I will find the energy to get out of bed. Some days I'm broke and I’m so tired of ramen noodles or lean cuisine that I could puke. Some days I start crying in the morning, and astound myself with my ability to cry for hours on end. Some days I feel like a car is parked on my lungs, and I'm so anxious I can't even breathe. Some days the commute drags on forever, and the kids just aren't in the mood to work, and I can't seem to motivate them. Some days I can't wait to get home, only to find I'm just as miserable there. Some nights even the valium my mom gave me to help with my anxiety attacks doesn't help, and I still can't sleep & I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I can't imagine living one more minute, one more day like this.

Some days I realize that things will be fine after the wedding, when I have health insurance & can finally see a doctor & I get back on medication. Most of the time I understand that I have no reason to believe the meds won't fix me when they always have before. But when I feel really bad, I can’t imagine that I will ever feel like myself again. But most of all I feel guilty, I should be so grateful for the fabulous life I have now. Be happy to just have a job, when so many of my friends have been laid off. I should feel blessed to be living in California, with the most amazing man I've ever known. I just feel like I'm so unappreciative of my life on bad days, and what kind of girl am I if I can’t act thankful for all I have?

365 days ago (give or take):
When we started to Taxi out of Atlanta, the pilot came over the intercom and announced we would be returning due to a passenger incident. Two men were making jokes they found funny about being terrorists and bombing the plane.
I talk about really stupid people on my long flight to Tel Aviv.


  1. You shouldn't be embarrassed. We all have days like that, even many people who pretend they don't. I like the way you mention all the good things in your life. You're allowed to have bad days, and the fact that you're sad but still acknowledge you have wonderful things to be thankful for, that's a good thing.

  2. Holy crap! It's like someone wrote about my life. I've been there. I too took myself off the meds when they got too expensive. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. At that time, I couldn't. I suffered. Needlessly. I went back on the meds and things were better. I could breathe again. Eventually I did go off the meds with my doctor's help (they were making my heart act funny). I am now able to handle the anxiety fairly well myself. I know I'm lucky for this because most people have to stay on the meds for a lifetime. I still struggle with anxiety and can relate to the feelings of guilt.

    You are not alone. Know that I am thinking about you and sending you my strongest, happiest, best thoughts.

  3. oh honey. i can relate completely to this. i feel that chokehold some days, and other days, i feel so free and happy. we're trying to adjust my meds so they work "just right" but so far, eh, it's not really working.

    big hugs to BOTH of us.

  4. I'm glad you decided to put this back up. I'm also glad that you are able to see the good things in your life, even on the down days.
    I don't struggle with the same level of anxiety issues as you do, but I can say that I've had my down moments, so I feel you, at least on a small level.
    You've got an amazing attitude, and you can see through the dark cloud to the other side, the post anxiety side. You will feel better soon, you are so very very lucky, and you have a lot of people both in the real world (and online!) that adore you, and are so happy you are in this world, doing your Brittany thing. :-)


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