Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Dark & The Dawn

My new job, tutoring, is going really well. I'm shocked by how much I enjoy it. Right now I'm working with two little girls both 6 years old. They are both super sweet and eager learners. In both families only the children speak English, and I have to communicate through them to kids to talk to the parents. But the other day one girl handed me a note she had written down from her mother that said, “Thanks for all the Kind Attention”. That made my day.

But I did slightly embarrass myself recently. When I walked into my student’s apartment for the first time, I noticed all of the shoes were piled at the door. I assumed this was because they did not allow people to walk in their shoes around the apartment (it was pristine). So to be respectful, I took mine off too. I continued to do this every time I came. Now that the girl I’m working with is not so shy, she asked me, “Do you always walk into houses with your feet?” (Meaning do I always take my shoes off first, cute phrasing through). These people must have thought I was insane, or they explained it away as, “She really is a Southerner.” Yes I was just represented the homeland. I wanted to say, “Yes I typically go places with my feet, unless they will just get in the way.” But I didn’t, that might have flown over her head.

The truth is that while I had been over the moon happy to be living with Adam, having moments so perfect that I knew this was where I was supposed to be, the never-ending job search broke me. Never having had a lot of confidence in myself anyway, it made me feel worthless and hopeless. And every week when Sunday rolled around I would be beside myself. I couldn't imagine another week of job searching, and I would spend several hours uncontrollably sobbing. At first crying about being jobless, and then for how stupid it was that I was even crying. I just felt like I was being so gosh darn dramatic. I had sunk into a mini-depression, not bad enough to contemplate hurting myself like in the past, but bad enough that I had no energy or want to even get out of bed.

Friends & family would ask me if I was happy here, and I would say, "Of course." Because to explain how I felt would be too hard and too complicated. How can you put into words that you are completely happy and miserable at the same time? If I let one thing slip out about how I was really feeling, the entire glass facade would shatter, and I would be a hopeless mess. But now that I feel better I’m enjoying my days, even if I don’t do much but clean the house. I’m watching tons of documentaries from netflix: Queen Elizabeth, Titanic, and Jack the Ripper (you name it, I’m watching). I’m just all around happy, and it’s nice to be happy. Truly honestly, not just faking it happy.


  1. Thats so sweet about the note! I'm glad you're happy.

  2. I am so happy I happened upon your blog! I have enjoyed reading it...I am now your follower =)

    By the way...My b-day is May we are a day and 9 years apart (ouch...that hurts me..I'm 31)

  3. I totally know what you mean. It's so hard getting out there and finding a job, it literally takes ALL of your energy. I'm glad that you are enjoying your new one, though! I'm also happy that YOU'RE happy!


    ps: the wedding is december 5, 2009! ;)


I love comments, and I always read my comments. But sometimes I make a mental note to go comment back on your blog, and then forget to (Even if I’m an avid read of your blog, whoops). Since I'm so bad about this, I will mostly reply to comments in my comment section, so please check back! If you have something pressing to talk to me about you can e-mail me at


Design by Peachy Keen Design