My friend Anna, who was a nursing major, once told me that while nobody is 100% sure about the cause of hiccups, it is believed it happens when your body gets confused (doesn’t know if your coughing, drinking, or burping) or you swallow too much air. So when I was drinking a glass of water and screeched as I saw a spider the size of my fist, I’m sure my body was just confused when it decided to give me a case of the hiccups (ok maybe not the size of my fist, maybe just the size of the tip of my finger, but it still was effin huge and pretty terrifying).
I hiccupped for 30 minutes straight; I hiccupped through the phone call to Adam in which I told him about the spider as big as my FIST that I let get away (I wasn’t going to tell him the actual size of the spider, it would make the story seem less TRAUMATIZING). I had to remind him that because I had let the spider get away, when I went to bed that night I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I would imagine I felt that spider crawling on me all night long. And this would keep him up too, because I would frequently kick to get the imaginary spider off me, and I’m sure that kick would be hard and aimed in his general direction. I also told him he might want to wear a protective cup.
The hiccups didn’t really start to bother me till about minute 15. I tried all the tricks I knew. I didn’t have any sugar cubes so I just swallowed a spoonful of sugar. Sugar by itself tastes disgusting. I wonder what magical property sugar must contain that makes it taste so darn good in cakes and kool-aid. Next I tried to do what my friend Lark (you know, the assburger) does, drink a glass of water upside down. How the heck does she do that? Wouldn’t that serve to confuse my body even more? All I ended up with was one soaked t-shirt and no end to my hiccups in sight.
I started thinking about that girl, Jennifer Mee, who was on The Today Show. Jennifer hiccupped for weeks! I feared I would be just like her. I wondered if I’d even have enough time to get a haircut before my TV debut. My locks were looking a bit lackluster. I knew being on the Today show would be awesome for one reason: I’ve had a geeky crush on Matt Lauer for years.
As soon as I had resigned myself to the fact that I would have the hiccups for the rest of my life and went back to my daily chores, they left just as suddenly as they came. After they were gone, I kind of missed them. And the only thing I could bring myself to say was, “Damn, now I don’t get to meet Matt Lauer.”