Bride Moons Congregation

So did you hear about this? A bride is suing her wedding dress designer because the stitching on the dress came undone during the ceremony, causing her butt to be exposed to EVERYONE. You can't see it right now but I'm totally making my shocked face. I will soon be getting married myself. Up till this point, I thought my only worry about my wedding day would be tripping while walking down the aisle (which is a distinct possibility given my love of high heels and my general clumsiness). But now I also have to worry about exposing my unmentionables. Thank You BBC News.

I'm not worried about mooning my guests because I don't like my butt. I actually LOVE my butt and consider it one of my better features. Baby’s got back and I have never received any complaints. *wink, wink* However my butt is 10X lighter than the rest of my body, which makes it 20X brighter than the sun. I really wouldn't be surprised to discover that it actually GLOWS in the dark. So my big butt being exposed to the elements could possibly lead to permanent blindness of my poor, unsuspected guests.

I thought about what kind of underwear she was wearing. Was it a thong or the type of underwear that holds everything in? I would be wearing the style that sucks everything in and restricts breathing. The kind that makes you look skinnier than you are but is not very pretty. The sort that before you finish getting dressed, you look in the mirror and what you see is your heavy set, 95 yr old grandmother with a bad case of front butt.

With all kidding aside, I really do feel sorry for the bride. That would be traumatizing, and I know how exciting looking forward to your wedding day can be. But if this story has taught me anything it is this: before my wedding I'm getting my butt to a tanning bed (literally), and buying some very flattering underwear.