Friday, September 12, 2008

The Bottom Feeders of Wedding Dresses

I have to confess that I spend a pathetic amount of time combing through wedding magazines and websites. I’m turning into a girly-girl. They shoot girls like me, don’t they? Well at least they should. Because a nice shot in the butt might me stop obsessing about a wedding which is seven months away. But I have to say I’ve come across some pretty, uh interesting dresses. I mean not just dresses that would fail to suit me but dresses that shouldn’t have even been conceived. So I decided I had to share some of these fab fashions. Starting from the ok down to the horrendous.

The I’m Marrying a Lovely Bloke dress

It’s not that this dress is sooo bad. And maybe it would suit a Scottish Wedding if the groom was wearing a kilt. But there is something about plaid and wedding dress that doesn’t go together. And I hate, hate to say this (ok I don’t hate to say this that much). Its look she is a mermaid at the bottom.

The OMG I Can’t Find my Knee Caps dress

My Lord this is actually an ok dress. But there is just way too much going on here. So much tooling. She could be hiding a pink, polka dotted hippo or heavy artillery down there and you would never know it. This dress is perfect if you need a bridal survival pack, bad if you’re worried about woodland creatures taking up residence in your ho ha (kidding, sorta). Ha-ha, plus when I was in my friends Amanda’s wedding she would announce she was going to fart while in wedding dress (she never changes, and that’s why I love her). In a dress like that it would never escape, but be like a Dutch over type tradegy. LOL. TMI, I know!

The Is She Wearing Her Wedding Night Lingerie? dress

Is showing this amount of skin really called for? Do you really want to wear a dress that makes the guest think that she really, really, really shouldn’t have worn white. Plus this dress would make every boy 14 and up on the edge of their seat waiting for a wardrobe malfunction. Nip Slips at weddings are just a bit tacky.

The dress that answers the age old question If you get into a squabble with the weedwacker, guess who wins dress

There is almost no words for this. This isn’t even suitable for a shot-gun, second marriage wedding in Las Vegas.
And Last But Not Least: The JESUS dress
It’s no secret that I attended Catholic school for two years even though I was a closet back row Baptist with terrible hair (what the hair thing has to do with anything, I'm really not sure). These are the exact images that used to hang in the stain glass windows. The eyes reminded me of Jesus’ when he was in Mary’s Arm. The hat remind me of the light around Jesus when he rose from the grave. And it’s all slightly terrifying. I love Jesus but I don’t want to incorporate his look into mine. But still it gives me a giggle every time I see it. So it can’t be that bad.


  1. It is particularly interesting to see these unusual wedding dresses as I spent last night watching the TLC program called "Say Yes to the Dress" all about Kleinfeldt's Wedding Dress Salon in NYC and how they sell and fit their gowns.

  2. I really like the lingerie one but not for a wedding!

  3. Very, VERY funny! I always loved looking through the bridal magazines and seeing how these dress manufacturers did their damnedest to make their models as horrifying as possible. Hair that looks like you crawled through the woods, makeup that would make a vampire say, "Sheesh, she's PALE" and expressions of disgust and boredom that are only rivaled by a teenage girl being lectured by her mom.

    That last dress? Is hysterical.

  4. @Patricia-Oh I know, I could never be like some of the bridezillas though. I would love to check that place out.

    @Moxy-Me too, thought i don't think I have the shape. It looks like an awesome swimsuit cover.

    @Christy-i don't always get why they go so out there, but I guess that is high fashion. I do love America's Next Top Model though.

  5. oh man, i totally understand. i have been looking around for awhile and believe me, i have seen some CRAZY ass dresses. have you picked a venue yet?

  6. The Lingerie dress is what you wear when you're over 40, look great (really) and it's not your second wedding, maybe not even your third.

  7. Are they really dresses?? WTH is the matter with designers.. terrible..but it did make for a funny post..

  8. @Heather-Its the yard of an old historic home. I'm so excited.

  9. I thought they were all dreadful!

  10. That was hilarious, especially the commentary! Thanks for sharing! :)


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