This is the third installment in the Past Blast series. This was written on November 1st, 2004. I was still fairly fresh off my break up with my first love. After we broke up, he started dating a new girl, and he had told me how cool it was that she liked video games, because I didn't. Ironically, he ended up dumping her, because she never wanted to go out, just wanted to stay in and play games. Karma. My commentary is in red.
I'm a weeble, I wobble but I don't fall down. I know that sounds so simple, but its really not (I can't believe that I would seriously compare myself to a preschool toy commercial).
I wobble side to side, I have my near emotional break down, I come so close to losing it, sometimes I even bump my head on the pavement, but I won't fall. I wooble and then I wake up stronger (I even bump my head on the pavement? I really love the old me, even though she makes me cringe).
Last night was long and slightly miserable. But I woke up and I'm ok. I remember why I broke up with him in the first place. And its all ok.
All my freak out was about was the "Why not me?" stage. All the bullshit he told me about not wanting a relationship or another girl. And my heart still jumps a little when I think about that lie. But it is ok and life is good (I was obviously trying to make it sound like I was ok with it).
We talk like strangers now. Or aqqaintances passing in wal-mart but not even that friendly (this is one of my fave phrases in this post, it shows my small town girlness- acquaintances passing in wal-mart. Loves it).We dont talk as past lovers, friends, or intimate partners. Somehow I always feel like he is pitying me, or talking to me like I'm a 3 yr old, though he is not. I blocked him for a little while, just to get my bearings. Just to not feel pangs of I dont even know what.
Then I feel like I have to laugh. They (him and the new girl) aren't having meaningful, soul bearing conversations like we did. All night conversations, watching the sunrise and falling asleep on the phone (I thought the most romantic thing that someone could do back then was falling asleep with me on the phone. Honestly his snoring was pretty annoying). They are playing games. Literally.
I know I will find someone to love, I'm not in any rush. And I know I'm worth it. I'm me, and tons of people love me for me. I've never had any problems making friends, and I am loved (Good job, old Brittany).
It will be a while before I can say, "I'm happy for you," and mean it. But I will cross that bridge when I get there (I actually talked to him a few weeks back, and he is doing great. I told him I was happy for him, and meant it).
I'm reading this book by one of my favorite authors that I can't seem to put down. Its called, "In her shoes." I have had my nose in it all day. I'm not ashamed to say I love chick lit. Not the only type of books I like but I do like it.
The awesome part the book is I have read her previous books and in this book this is a short meeting with the main character of the previous book. Its kind of like a treat for her fans in a way. Kind of like hey this character is still doing great. She is still getting married, still happy, and her little baby is growing up. It really made me happy. Like people who hadn't read the book wouldn't think of it at all, but to others it is special. Its like your in on a positively golden delicious secret (kind of like golden delicious apples). Maybe I am just insane.
Today, the president of our school threw a birthday party for her fish, Mr.Darcy (I remember that day so vividly, it was so odd). She bought the whole cafeteria two huge double layered cakes for the occasion. We even sang happy birthday. Her golf cart had a sign, happy birthday Mr.Darcy, first fish of MUW. A little absurd, but cute in its own right.
So Im going to mimic the livejournal front page, if you are able to vote and dont, dont want their to be any whining on the lj about how the country is being ran for the next four years. I dont care if you vote for Elvis, JUST vote! :o) (that was the first election I ever voted in, I was so excited)