A few months ago, I talked a little bit about my bad relationship with my father, and how he wasn't going to let me have my wedding pictures. Talking about it was really therapeutic to me, and I actually started to get over the whole situation. That is, until a few months ago when I finally told Adam's family what was going on. And all of a sudden it was all I could think about. Once again I found myself erroneously questioning what I did wrong and feeling really sorry for myself. I hated that he still had the ability to make me feel bad. I decided I couldn't ever get over the situation if I didn't at least try one more time to get my photos.
So one night I sent him an email. I told him how I had tried and tried to let it go, but I just couldn't. I reminded him about how he had apologized for ever hurting me at the wedding, and I didn't understand why he wanted to continue to do so. Blah, Blah, Blah. It was basically a really watered down version of what I wanted to say, because I still wanted my pictures. My father came back and told me he had simply been procrastinating, and put in a few passive aggressive barbs as expected. Telling me he only had 27 cents in the bank, a reminder that he is still paying back court ordered child support. Whatever. I don't really believe the procrastination stick, he wanted me to beg, he always wants me to beg. He told me he would send the pictures and I kind of sort of believed him.
The next day he sent me confirmation that he had sent the pictures. I was over the moon happy. I couldn't believe it had worked, and the man who had said he had no money to his name, had sent them priority! I was telling everyone, I had Adam send his family an email to let them know. On Friday I picked up the package at the post office. It was a rather big package, and when I opened it up I found one picture.I felt like a dagger had ripped through my heart. Let it go I said, Don't play into this cat and mouse game I said. He won't ever change. I know this.
So I let it go, but a few days later he emailed me, asking if I gotten the picture. And I said I had, it was lovely, but was he still sending the other pictures? No response. And these last few weeks I have been struggling with so many things. Its like everything has all hit my once. The abandonment from my family. My dad still not changing. Accepting that my father will never love me as I do him, if he loves me at all. Knowing that I put something so important to me (the photos) in some one's hands that I should have never trusted in the first place. Feeling stupid, feeling foolish, feeling like I was never good enough for them (even though I understand they were never good enough for me).
I can honestly say this particular situation has been one of the hardest things I've had deal with. Harder than the childhood abuse,harder than any break-up, harder than the awful relationship with my stepfather, harder than the depressed days on my teens,and a million times harder than coping with my brother's drug addiction. And I keep telling everyone that its OK, that it doesn't matter, that I'm used to it. But I don't think you ever get used to being treating that way. But maybe it had to happen, for me to final give up, and let go. I can't have that toxicity in my life any longer.
Sometimes I convince myself that I will never get past this hurt. But then I remember those dark, dark days in high school. Days when I was certain I would never ever see a bright day again. And I can't tell you the date when I stopped being depressed. Its just every day started to suck less and less, until it didn't suck at all. So that's what I have to believe now, every day is going to suck less, and one day it wont suck at all.