I was sitting at supper with Lark tonight, and I was discussing wedding invitations. Yes, Yes I have become obsessed with wedding magazines and details. But it’s a much healthier obsession than things I've been obsessed with in the past. Wedding details (Even though it’s far away) is right up my alley because I love details and planning but anyway. Lark asked me if me and Adam had discussed kids. She was just curious, and we had talked a lot about how couples don't discuss the very important things.
I often worry that I won't be able to take proper care of a baby; I mean have you seen what I do to fish? I once got two fish at a fair, and had to run to the store to buy them a bowl and decided they didn't have a big enough room to swim in so I plugged up my sink and ran out. When I came back I gleefully asked my roommate if she had seen our new additions. She informed me the water had run out and they had died a slow and floppy death. Yeah so then I bought a Beta named Belle it died in two days. It would not eat! It preferred to starve itself to death rather than be owned by me. And don't even get me started on my pet frogs. I mean kids have ten fingers and ten toes and a million other parts to keep track of. Is that not just a recipe for disaster?
I remember when my niece Cassie was born, I was eight years old. I spent hours practicing holding my baby doll. I felt if I placed my hand in one wrong place the baby would snap in half. So maybe this is where my intimidation started. Because from then on out, babies did cry when I held them. This is most likely because they sensed my nervousness. And babies are very intuitive far more than given credit. And this has all left me with an intense fear of being an inadequate mother.
That is until Christmas break. My cousin Aaron came over with his two sons Bradley (3) and Bryce (6 months). He was busy with Bradley and the baby is crying. He asked me to handle it. I'm thinking you want to trust me with your son, HELLO! Must I list all one million contrived reasons you shouldn't do this? But I picked up Bryce, fed him a bottle, burped him, rocked him, and got him to giggle. He didn't cry. And with that one little hour, he broke my fear of babies. I am capable. I could do this. In fact, I didn't even want to hand Bryce back over. So I kidnpped him. No jk. But I thought about it.
But Adam and I have had the kid's discussion, we decided we would have our 2.5 kids when I'm 30 and he is 32. Although the doctor said it would be a little harder for me to conceive with polycystic ovaries, and that I would need to start trying at least a year earlier. But I'm not too worried about that, even with problems there is always options. However, for now Adam and I want to enjoy being young and being together. Once you are a parent you are a parent forever. And parenthood is a blessing, but it is one that we are not ready for yet. We want to be at the point in our lives when we are more settled and hopefully financially secure. Not to say if I got pregnant before then we would be devastated. That is not the case at all. We would be happy, but for now, that is the plan.